All Things Being Equal

1. Funny = So Not Funny
Monday Night Football changed personnel and networks, yet kept the same name. It’s the NFL equivalent of Menudo. But, as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Question: What do you get when you cross Dennis Miller with that uncle of yours who always says, “Pull my finger?” Answer: Tony Kornheiser.

2. Color = Black & White
Color analyst, Ron Jaworski is as gray as they come. He is so bright when it comes to analyzing schemes, but when it comes time to be on camera he makes Dan Fouts look bland. The only time I am entertained is when he smiles and nods his head without saying anything. He looks like he’s eight years old and his daddy took him to work.

3. Guests = Pests
I assume when networks decide to do things, it’s to increase ratings. But how much have the ratings increased when they bring in guests in the 3rd quarter of the night games? For a lot of people it is a big yawner. If they really want to spice things up, get Joe Theismann on MNF and Frank Caliendo on SNF. Then watch the ratings fly.

4. PTI = PTUI
I know it sounds like I am ragging on MNF, but their decision to do that mini Pardon The Interruption piece at half-time is asinine. Not only does it look as contrived as a B-movie, but the actors are so unattractive, they hurt my feelings.

5. Madden = Yogi
Although John Madden is not technically on Monday Night Football anymore, he qualifies for honorable mention here. Madden and Yogi are two icons who are the absolute best at making you turn to your buddy and ask, “What the hell did he just say?” We all know the famous Yogi quotes but here are a few Madden ones:
“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”
“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”
“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

Speaking of...

How was your Halloween?

Speaking of Halloween, did anyone read the tasty tidbit that Jon Kitna dressed like the coach who drove though the drive-thru naked? His wife dressed like the fast food restaurant.

Speaking of Jon Kitna, did anyone read about his friend who went as Jon Kitna to a Halloween party? My question is, how did they know it was Jon Kitna and not Bull from Night Court?

Speaking of Night Court, Markie Post was hot. Whatever happened to her?

Speaking of post, can anyone stop Randy Moss when he runs one?

Speaking of one, there will be only one undefeated team left by the end of the day.

Speaking of undefeated teams, Don Shula, the head coach of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, basically called Nick Saban a liar. And he also said his pants were on fire.

Speaking of liars, Michael Vick is a liar. Bill Belichick is just a cheater.

Speaking of cheaters, did Tom Brady cheat on one supermodel while with another? The poor bastard.

Speaking of poor bastards, how about them New York Jets. Mangenius is quickly becoming Mangina. Bunch of pussies.

Speaking of pussies, I will be hiding from all the Jets fans who will be out gunning for me for the comment above. If I do go outside I will be wearing a mask.

Speaking of masks, how was your Halloween?