Goodell: The Bad and The Ugly

Dear Mr. Goodell,

What the hell are you thinking? And I mean that with all due respect.

Since you’ve been in office you have initiated what is deemed by many to be off-the-wall penalties for players with minor indiscretions. We all were young once. Surely you remember the impetuousness of youth. So what if a player gets arrested 10 times for DUI, illegal weapons and underage drinking? Is that any reason to suspend him from his job for a year? I know I wouldn’t be able to afford to not work for a year. How are these youths going to feed their families? Harsh, Mr. Goodell. Very harsh.

You’ve also facilitated a summit for, of all things, concussions. Come on, Roger. Is this really necessary? I mean, a bunch of owners and players sitting around a table butting heads. There is enough of that during actual games. This is a waste of time. And energy.

Now your latest show of authority displays your berating of Clinton Portis’ statements about Michael Vick’s alleged dogfights. Will you just get off his back? You never liked him. You are just using this as a vehicle for profiling certain players. This is not the Spanish inquisition; this is a free country. Mr. Portis is exercising his right to free speech. For you to take that right away is totally and emphatically UN-AMERICAN.

And speaking of being UN-AMERICAN, why do you insist to deprive AMERICAN fans of seeing their home team by scheduling a game in a foreign land? There are a finite number of games that home team fans can physically attend.. Eight, to be precise. Now you want to take one away? Oh, if only the McCarthy hearings were still going on, I would suggest your name be at the top of the list.

I could go on and on countering your every move since you became sheriff. But Ricky just came back in and told me he fixed the bong, so we’re going to sit around and meditate on the meaning of life. After that we’ll get some chips and Twinkies and watch reruns of last season’s Toronto Argonauts games.

Ah, the CFL. Clearly the better league.

Signed,
Stephen Harper

Ricky Williams: Title Shot

Ricky William’s new book deal has been the buzz all over the web. Funny prospective book titles have been put up on messages boards all over the place. I thought I would post some here. By the way, the really funny ones are mine.

1. Between the Hashes
2. 3rd Down and a Puff of Smoke
3. Ricky Williams and the Howhiami Dolphins
4. Deep Down, I’m Really a Green Bowl Packer
5. 4th and Bowl
6. Pass the Super Bowl
7. Ricky Williams: I Can Take a Hit
8. …with 4:20 Left on the Clock
9. In My Own Herbs
10. Hairy Pothead and the Sorcerer’s Stoned
11. The Bong Show
12. Waiting to Exhale
13. Taking Miami to a New High
14. Ganja with the Wind
15. Shit! I Can’t Get Off the Pot!
16. Lighting it Up
17. The Green, Green Grass of Home
18. Score!
19. From Handoff to Handout
20. Toronto and the Lone Ganja

Feel free to add some of your own in the comments section.

EDIT: If you have Sirius Radio please listen to Moving the Chains. That show is one of the most informative shows on the NFL. Most of the above were quoted on their show.

Divorcing Favre

You have been married to a wonderful woman for the last 13 years or so. She was a former Beauty Queen and although her legs aren’t as they once were, they certainly don’t look bad.

You look at her and try to think of at least 15 women who you would rather have. Of course, having someone new would certainly be fun, but with your wife you know exactly what you have. She knows you inside and out; she knows how to make you happy—or at least the spirit is willing. Sure, she may burn the dinner once in a while (though lately it seems like more often than not), but she is in this marriage to the end. She knows what it takes to keep you satisfied and she does it with gusto.

To you, she is very, very sexy. She still has that youthful exuberance, a desire to please her man, and a right arm that just doesn’t quit. (You could tell I need to get some, huh?)

Throughout your marriage, she has pretty much kept to herself, never wanting to ruffle feathers. She is starting to voice her opinions now, but she is doing that out of frustration more than anything else. She needs to know her family still needs her and supports her. Without her having that supporting cast, she will most certainly encounter failure—which is something she is not used to at all.

You see, before she came along, you were nothing but a big windbag. You were living on your laurels, always talking about what was—never about what will be. She picked you up by your bootstraps, made you believe in the present and handed you the best years of your life.

Your buddy is telling you to let her go—live it up; you’re better off without her. I say don’t do it. Don’t listen to Adam Schein.

Instead, seek counseling.