What Teams DON'T Need

The NFL Draft is about three weeks away, so rather than tell you what every team needs, as do all the big websites, I will tell you what teams don’t need.

1. Raiders: Another one-year head coach bust.
2. Lions: Another seven years of Herr Millen.
3. Browns: Another headline with a Shakespeare reference.
4. Buccaneers: A dearth of spleens.
5. Cardinals: A quarterback controversy between Matt and Brenda.
6. Redskins: A post-prime coach and a prime-rate owner.
7. Vikings: An anonymous quarterback.
8. Falcons: That Matt Schaub departure.
9. Dolphins: Nicky. Or Ricky. Or Lucy. Or Fred and Ethel.
10. Texans: An “offensive” offensive line.
11. 49ers: To be noticed.
12. Bills: To do the ol’ catch-and-release with running backs.
13. Rams: Marshall Faulk. Oh, wait. He retired. Did anyone notice?
14. Panthers: A Wrigley’s Gum endorsement offer to John Fox.
15. Steelers: Anyone to say, “Well, Bill did it this way…”
16. Packers: Six months of Favre retirement talk.
17. Jaguars: Jack Del Rio in anything but a suit.
18. Bengals: Another group of felons.
19. Titans: One felon to take the place of a group of felons.
20. Giants: An ineffective high-profile quarterback.
21. Broncos: The second-coming of John Elway.
22. Cowboys: A head coach who only knows the name of one receiver.
23. Chiefs: A player with Herman Edwards’ vote of confidence.
24. Patriots: Another Tom Brady sperm sighting.
25. Jets: Curtis Martin. Oh, wait. He retired. Didn’t he?
26. Eagles: Another Donovan McNabb mother sighting.
27. Saints: A Reggie Bush touchdown watch.
28. Ravens: Another stupid sack dance.
29. Chargers: A Norv Turner failure.
30. Bears: Another whiney linebacker.
31. Colts: Edgerrin James. Oh, wait. He retired. Or might as well have.
32. Seahawks: A group of overrated, over-paid wide receivers. Ah, shit. Too late.