Footballer's Wives

It is starting to make me ill. No, not the BBC dramedy—actual NFL player’s wives. What is it with these women? Are they all delusional? The answer may surprise you.

Last year, New York Giants DE Michael Strahan’s widely-publicized and bitter divorce set a precedent for the insanity of our legal system. Strahan’s wife was awarded $15 million in her divorce decree. And that’s with a goddamn prenup! Why the hell she is entitled to all that cash is beyond me. Like I heard many times growing up, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow.” And, apparently, the attorney you show.

The latest player in the news with a soon-to-be messy divorce is another Giants player, oddly enough, WR Amani Toomer. His wife allegedly refuses to bear his children. He knocked her up four times and each time she had an abortion. You would think he’d learn after the first two but, as you know, these wide receivers tend to get hit in the head a lot so their judgment may be impaired.

If she had not wanted to become pregnant with his children—something he should have been aware of BEFORE saying, “I do”—there were plenty of other things she could have done to minimize or alleviate any possibility of that happening. Swallowing comes to mind.

After much deliberation and research, I have finally figured out the catalyst. The one thing, which the media seems to overlook, or just may not have mentioned, is that these postconnubial battles have one common denominator. His name: Tom Coughlin. All these marital troubles seemed to have started under Coughlin’s watch. Coincidence? I don’t think so.