Held To A Lower Standard

So, you’re sitting at your desk at work reading this. As you look around your cube farm and ruminate over your co-workers’ habits, histories and home-life, ask yourself how many times do you think those regular shmoes with whom you work everyday, day in and day out, can—

Be arrested?
Assault someone?
Be shot at?
Give alcohol to minors?
Be involved in a stabbing?
Run over a parking enforcement official?
Be implicated in date rape?
Have sex with a babysitter?
Take things that don't belong to them?
Have an arsenal of weapons in their trunk?
Take a nude drive through their favorite fast food restaurant?
Solicit a prostitute?

—without being fired by your company?

Everything I listed above has been done by an NFL player on various teams, at one time or another. Sometimes, the offender has done multiple things on this list.

The ratio of NFLers in trouble with the law to the rest of the population in any given work environment in corporate America is way out of proportion. Think about how many players are involved in off-field altercations in relation to the co-workers on your team. With the exception of the guy over the wall from me who Xeroxed his ass at the office Holiday party, I can safely say I don’t know anyone within shouting distance that has either total disregard for the law, or luck that bad, where they are consistently in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The most recent player in the news—which shows you that even though one is not actually involved in an alleged crime, when it comes down to it, NFL players seem to be quite magnetic—is Patrick Kerney, now the DE for the Seattle Seahawks. He was sleeping in his house while a date rape was going on. SLEEPING! He either has a freaking huge house where he needs a bus to go to the bathroom, or his waterbed was filled with ether for him not to hear anything going on.

And, what about the alleged perps? How horny do you have to be? I don’t think I would want to force myself upon a woman who has Patrick Kerney sleeping in the next room.

I have a lot more to say on the subject but, I have to go now. My boss wants to talk to me about his missing stapler.