All Things Being Equal

1. Funny = So Not Funny
Monday Night Football changed personnel and networks, yet kept the same name. It’s the NFL equivalent of Menudo. But, as the saying goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Question: What do you get when you cross Dennis Miller with that uncle of yours who always says, “Pull my finger?” Answer: Tony Kornheiser.

2. Color = Black & White
Color analyst, Ron Jaworski is as gray as they come. He is so bright when it comes to analyzing schemes, but when it comes time to be on camera he makes Dan Fouts look bland. The only time I am entertained is when he smiles and nods his head without saying anything. He looks like he’s eight years old and his daddy took him to work.

3. Guests = Pests
I assume when networks decide to do things, it’s to increase ratings. But how much have the ratings increased when they bring in guests in the 3rd quarter of the night games? For a lot of people it is a big yawner. If they really want to spice things up, get Joe Theismann on MNF and Frank Caliendo on SNF. Then watch the ratings fly.

4. PTI = PTUI
I know it sounds like I am ragging on MNF, but their decision to do that mini Pardon The Interruption piece at half-time is asinine. Not only does it look as contrived as a B-movie, but the actors are so unattractive, they hurt my feelings.

5. Madden = Yogi
Although John Madden is not technically on Monday Night Football anymore, he qualifies for honorable mention here. Madden and Yogi are two icons who are the absolute best at making you turn to your buddy and ask, “What the hell did he just say?” We all know the famous Yogi quotes but here are a few Madden ones:
“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”
“The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.”
“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

Speaking of...

How was your Halloween?

Speaking of Halloween, did anyone read the tasty tidbit that Jon Kitna dressed like the coach who drove though the drive-thru naked? His wife dressed like the fast food restaurant.

Speaking of Jon Kitna, did anyone read about his friend who went as Jon Kitna to a Halloween party? My question is, how did they know it was Jon Kitna and not Bull from Night Court?

Speaking of Night Court, Markie Post was hot. Whatever happened to her?

Speaking of post, can anyone stop Randy Moss when he runs one?

Speaking of one, there will be only one undefeated team left by the end of the day.

Speaking of undefeated teams, Don Shula, the head coach of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, basically called Nick Saban a liar. And he also said his pants were on fire.

Speaking of liars, Michael Vick is a liar. Bill Belichick is just a cheater.

Speaking of cheaters, did Tom Brady cheat on one supermodel while with another? The poor bastard.

Speaking of poor bastards, how about them New York Jets. Mangenius is quickly becoming Mangina. Bunch of pussies.

Speaking of pussies, I will be hiding from all the Jets fans who will be out gunning for me for the comment above. If I do go outside I will be wearing a mask.

Speaking of masks, how was your Halloween?

How Many People Are Thinking…

… “How the hell are the Chiefs in first place in their division?”

…Jacksonville was saying to Atlanta, “See, I told you so,” when Byron Leftwich got hurt.

… “Hey, gimme that plasma TV! It’s only gonna get burned up in the fire,” when seeing LT’s commercial on MNF.

… “Ricky, where are ya, man?” when Ronnie Brown went down.

…they should let the Chargers go to London instead of the Giants, since their stadium is being used at the moment?

…the Cardinals should trade for Jason Elam?

…Randy Moss is singing the Toby Keith tune, How Do You Like Me Now?

…Jimmy Kimmel should host a game with Joe Theismann?

…the Jets should sign Vinny Testaverde? Oh, wait, he’s taken. How about Joe Namath?

…the World Series gets in the way of a good football game?

Kudos To Costas

Lately, whenever you see a journalist interview someone about a volatile subject, there is always that feeling after the interview that the journalist was too soft; they didn’t ask the right questions. That was laid to rest when I saw Bob Costas’ interview with Roger Goodell about the Patriots’ illegal taping of the New York Jets defensive signals.

The question on a lot of people’s minds was why was Wade Wilson’s penalty more severe than Bill Belichick’s? Wade Wilson was fined $100,000, one-third of his salary and suspended for five games, for acquiring and taking HGH, supposedly as a treatment for his diabetes. Wade was not involved in any type of trafficking the HGH to any players. It was a personal undertaking. He is not a player; his taking HGH wouldn’t make Tony Romo be a better quarterback, so many felt his fine and consequence excessive.

Much to my surprise, Bob Costas asked that very question to Mr. Goodell during the interview. Mr. Goodell’s response was quick, decisive and concise. He said that Wade Wilson’s violation was illegal from a criminal perspective while Bill Belichick’s was only in violation of NFL rules. Add that to the fact that he holds coaches to a higher standard than players, he tacked on an extra game of suspension to Wade’s punishment.

My hat is off to both Mr. Costas and Mr. Goodell. Great questions were asked, understandable, fair answers were given and I didn’t come away feeling that some issues were skirted or double talk was thrown at me.

Only one question went unanswered: Am I the only one in America who felt that Bob Costas was interviewing the host of The Apprentice?

Suits Me

King Goodell has decreed that head coaches throughout the NFL kingdom can now wear suits for eight home games during the 2007 season.

Mike Nolan of the San Francisco 49ers and Jack Del Rio of the Jacksonville Jaguars have jumped at the chance to don a more formal attire. The stipulations are the suits have to be made by Reebok and have a team color theme.

Questions arise as to the design of these suits. Will they be able to wick away moisture? Will they be fleece lined? Will the pants have an elastic waist? Will they have those ‘80s shoulder pads? After all it is football.

I, for one, am all for the coaches looking a bit more dapper. I’m getting a bit sick of seeing Bill Belichick in a cutoff sweatshirt. I don’t know if he’s the head coach or the panhandler I passed on the way to the stadium.

I secretly yearn for the days of yore, when all the men wore suits and ties to ball games. Look at any photo of people in the stands at any game prior to 1963—all you see is suits. It looks like a Blues Brothers Promisekeepers meeting.

Hell, while we’re at it, let’s have the commentators wear fedoras. I would love to see John Madden in a homburg with a press card in the hatband.

All in all, I feel it’s a great way to add some class to the game. I am looking forward to seeing Norv Turner’s choice on throwback day. Something in a double breasted powder blue would suit me just fine.

Goodell: The Bad and The Ugly

Dear Mr. Goodell,

What the hell are you thinking? And I mean that with all due respect.

Since you’ve been in office you have initiated what is deemed by many to be off-the-wall penalties for players with minor indiscretions. We all were young once. Surely you remember the impetuousness of youth. So what if a player gets arrested 10 times for DUI, illegal weapons and underage drinking? Is that any reason to suspend him from his job for a year? I know I wouldn’t be able to afford to not work for a year. How are these youths going to feed their families? Harsh, Mr. Goodell. Very harsh.

You’ve also facilitated a summit for, of all things, concussions. Come on, Roger. Is this really necessary? I mean, a bunch of owners and players sitting around a table butting heads. There is enough of that during actual games. This is a waste of time. And energy.

Now your latest show of authority displays your berating of Clinton Portis’ statements about Michael Vick’s alleged dogfights. Will you just get off his back? You never liked him. You are just using this as a vehicle for profiling certain players. This is not the Spanish inquisition; this is a free country. Mr. Portis is exercising his right to free speech. For you to take that right away is totally and emphatically UN-AMERICAN.

And speaking of being UN-AMERICAN, why do you insist to deprive AMERICAN fans of seeing their home team by scheduling a game in a foreign land? There are a finite number of games that home team fans can physically attend.. Eight, to be precise. Now you want to take one away? Oh, if only the McCarthy hearings were still going on, I would suggest your name be at the top of the list.

I could go on and on countering your every move since you became sheriff. But Ricky just came back in and told me he fixed the bong, so we’re going to sit around and meditate on the meaning of life. After that we’ll get some chips and Twinkies and watch reruns of last season’s Toronto Argonauts games.

Ah, the CFL. Clearly the better league.

Signed,
Stephen Harper

Ricky Williams: Title Shot

Ricky William’s new book deal has been the buzz all over the web. Funny prospective book titles have been put up on messages boards all over the place. I thought I would post some here. By the way, the really funny ones are mine.

1. Between the Hashes
2. 3rd Down and a Puff of Smoke
3. Ricky Williams and the Howhiami Dolphins
4. Deep Down, I’m Really a Green Bowl Packer
5. 4th and Bowl
6. Pass the Super Bowl
7. Ricky Williams: I Can Take a Hit
8. …with 4:20 Left on the Clock
9. In My Own Herbs
10. Hairy Pothead and the Sorcerer’s Stoned
11. The Bong Show
12. Waiting to Exhale
13. Taking Miami to a New High
14. Ganja with the Wind
15. Shit! I Can’t Get Off the Pot!
16. Lighting it Up
17. The Green, Green Grass of Home
18. Score!
19. From Handoff to Handout
20. Toronto and the Lone Ganja

Feel free to add some of your own in the comments section.

EDIT: If you have Sirius Radio please listen to Moving the Chains. That show is one of the most informative shows on the NFL. Most of the above were quoted on their show.

Divorcing Favre

You have been married to a wonderful woman for the last 13 years or so. She was a former Beauty Queen and although her legs aren’t as they once were, they certainly don’t look bad.

You look at her and try to think of at least 15 women who you would rather have. Of course, having someone new would certainly be fun, but with your wife you know exactly what you have. She knows you inside and out; she knows how to make you happy—or at least the spirit is willing. Sure, she may burn the dinner once in a while (though lately it seems like more often than not), but she is in this marriage to the end. She knows what it takes to keep you satisfied and she does it with gusto.

To you, she is very, very sexy. She still has that youthful exuberance, a desire to please her man, and a right arm that just doesn’t quit. (You could tell I need to get some, huh?)

Throughout your marriage, she has pretty much kept to herself, never wanting to ruffle feathers. She is starting to voice her opinions now, but she is doing that out of frustration more than anything else. She needs to know her family still needs her and supports her. Without her having that supporting cast, she will most certainly encounter failure—which is something she is not used to at all.

You see, before she came along, you were nothing but a big windbag. You were living on your laurels, always talking about what was—never about what will be. She picked you up by your bootstraps, made you believe in the present and handed you the best years of your life.

Your buddy is telling you to let her go—live it up; you’re better off without her. I say don’t do it. Don’t listen to Adam Schein.

Instead, seek counseling.

Did You Feel A Draft?

Did you feel a draft? No, not the NFL Draft, but that brisk breeze that just whisked by. I think it was caused by Randy Moss. He is still one the NFL’s speediest; he was told he would be a Patriot and ran a post from Oakland to Foxboro before his agent hung up the phone.

It seems that the Patriots consistently do what they feel it takes to get their team where it needs to be. They have an agenda and a goal and they stick with it. Other franchises cannot boast the same commitment.

Oakland has a higher employee turnover rate than McDonald’s and with less customer satisfaction. The players and coaches are consistently not happy and there is a basic lack of morale. Robert Gallery never lived up to the plug-n-play hype; Art Shell was a bust the second time around; Moss was disgruntled; and Al Davis sits perched atop his throne with his violin whilst Rome burns around him, JaMarcus Russell notwithstanding.

Another team that had such promise and a long window of opportunity was the Kansas City Chiefs. Herm Edwards has that personality trait that husbands usually have—they “yes” the wife to death, and do what they want anyway. He swore up and down he wasn’t leaving the Jets, but when the money was thrown at him, he left New York’s screen door swinging in the summer air when he booked to Missouri. Now, he seems to be cleaning house. Get rid of Trent Green, shop Larry Johnson, let the offensive line retire, lose Dante Hall, but don’t worry, “Cuz, we gonna win!” We will be feeling the Mr. Gonzalez breeze shortly, I’m sure.

Lance Briggs wanted to make his own draft in the chill of Chicago, but the door got slammed in his face before he was able to muster up enough steam. Once his agent unlocks that door, you will think Hurricane Katrina hit Illinois.

The jury is still out if the draft is a good or a bad thing. I guess we’ll just have to ask Jeff Gordon.

A Meeting Of The Minds

The Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts are meeting with President Bush at the White House today. Jim Irsay, owner of the Colts, chartered a jet and will take those players and coaches who were the biggest part of the Super Bowl win.

A few questions arise with this whole scenario.

1. Why did it take so long to set up this meeting? It seems a tad inconvenient with the draft coming up on Saturday, doesn’t it?

2. Dominic Rhodes, Nick Harper, and Cato June will be attending. These players are no longer with the team. It’s the equivalent of going to your ex-wife’s engagement party. How awkward can you get?

3. Will this meeting be cut short because of Boris Yeltsin’s untimely demise?

4. Is President Bush a Bears fan?

Raise your hand if you wish you could be a fly on the wall in this little soiree. I‘ll try to speculate on the conversation that will transpire.

BUSH: (Outstretched arms) Gentlemen, welcome to my humble abode.

IRSAY: (Shaking hands with the President) Thank you very much, sir. This is a real honor and privilege to be here. Let me introduce to our head coach, Tony Dungy.

DUNGY: (Shaking hands with the President) It’s a pleasure, sir.

BUSH: I don’t believe I have ever seen you without a baseball cap. You look a little like Britney Spears, heh, heh. You know the head coach is the Commander-In-Chief of the football team. I’m the Commander-In-Chief of the United States, so we sort of have something in common, heh, heh.

DUNGY: (With utmost composure) Uh, yes, sir.

BUSH: (To Peyton Manning) So, you must be the quarterback of this fine team. You know, the quarterback is like the General on a battlefield. I’m like the General of the United States, so we sort of have something in common, heh, heh.

MANNING: (With utmost composure) Uh, yes, sir.

(Dead silence. President Bush stands around with his hands on his hips, grinning)

IRSAY: (Breaking silence) Mr. President, this is Cato June, a valuable asset to our Super Bowl winning defense.

BUSH: (Shaking hands) Cato, huh? So, you’re kind of like Bruce Lee in The Green Hornet.

JUNE: (Looking around for help)

DUNGY: Uh, that was before his time.

BUSH: Oh, I see. Sure. Well, Cato, you are like a soldier on the football field. I’m not a soldier, I’m Commander-In-Chief. But, you know, we had a soldier in Afghanistan who was in…

ADVISOR: (whispering something in President Bush’s ear)

BUSH: Oh… Well, keep up the good work, Cato. I bet your teammates are looking forward to playing with you again. Perhaps you can win another Super Bowl.

ADVISOR: (whispering something in President Bush’s ear)

BUSH: Oh… Well, it certainly was a pleasure to meet you all. I wish I could spend more time with you, but I have pay a shiva call to Boris Yeltsin’s family. Do you know where I could get a good fruit cake?

Indeed we do, Mr. President. Indeed we do.

The Charm School

Pacman Jones, cornerback for the Tennessee Titans, said that NFL Commissioner Goodell is out of line with the suspension handed down. According to Jones, he was never charged with any crime and therefore feels the suspension is excessive.

The only thing Pacman has done was just get arrested five times, speak to police ten times and fail to report to the Titans two arrests in Georgia last year. A felony obstruction charge for allegedly biting (yes, you read that right: biting) a Fayetteville, Ga., police officer was delayed until May, so technically he is correct.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but, didn’t Chris Henry, the Bengals WR—and current number 2 on the NFL’s Most Wanted List, attend the same school as Jones? Why, yes, I believe they were teammates at West Virginia.

Let’s dig a little deeper into that aspect of this University being the root cause whole NFL “bad behavior” thing, shall we? Looking at the list of NFL players that school has turned out, you can easily see my theory that WVU is breeding NFL gangstas. All the players below have attended WVU:

1. Todd Sauerbrun, P, Patriots. This guy was having steroid parties with Bobby Bonds, Mark McGwire and Tonya Harding. He claims his bulking up was from eating lots of meatloaf.
2. Marc Bulger, QB, Rams. Although this WVU thief has yet to be arrested and charged with a felony, he is known for stealing the quarterback job away from MVP Kurt Warner. At gunpoint. Using Brenda as a shield.
3. Jerry Porter, WR, Raiders. Jerry is on the list for extortion and discarding. He wouldn’t give Randy Moss his number 84 when Moss came to the Raiders unless Moss coughed up mega-bucks in blood money. Moss refused to play ball so he took number 18 instead. This year Porter changed his number from 84 to 81. That’s just plain and utter bullshit, if you ask me.
4. Anthony Becht, TE, Buccaneers. Wayne Chrebet basically made this bad-boy look like a winner. Chrebet retired, Becht moved on and now he is stealing paychecks in sunny Tampa Bay.
5. Mike Vanderjagt, K, last with the Cowboys. Idiot kicker. Need I say more?

It is my contention that Mr. Goodell better keep an eye on Dan Mozes on Draft day. The big center hails from, you guessed it—WVU. Word on the street is he is the second coming of Bugsy Siegel.

What Teams DON'T Need

The NFL Draft is about three weeks away, so rather than tell you what every team needs, as do all the big websites, I will tell you what teams don’t need.

1. Raiders: Another one-year head coach bust.
2. Lions: Another seven years of Herr Millen.
3. Browns: Another headline with a Shakespeare reference.
4. Buccaneers: A dearth of spleens.
5. Cardinals: A quarterback controversy between Matt and Brenda.
6. Redskins: A post-prime coach and a prime-rate owner.
7. Vikings: An anonymous quarterback.
8. Falcons: That Matt Schaub departure.
9. Dolphins: Nicky. Or Ricky. Or Lucy. Or Fred and Ethel.
10. Texans: An “offensive” offensive line.
11. 49ers: To be noticed.
12. Bills: To do the ol’ catch-and-release with running backs.
13. Rams: Marshall Faulk. Oh, wait. He retired. Did anyone notice?
14. Panthers: A Wrigley’s Gum endorsement offer to John Fox.
15. Steelers: Anyone to say, “Well, Bill did it this way…”
16. Packers: Six months of Favre retirement talk.
17. Jaguars: Jack Del Rio in anything but a suit.
18. Bengals: Another group of felons.
19. Titans: One felon to take the place of a group of felons.
20. Giants: An ineffective high-profile quarterback.
21. Broncos: The second-coming of John Elway.
22. Cowboys: A head coach who only knows the name of one receiver.
23. Chiefs: A player with Herman Edwards’ vote of confidence.
24. Patriots: Another Tom Brady sperm sighting.
25. Jets: Curtis Martin. Oh, wait. He retired. Didn’t he?
26. Eagles: Another Donovan McNabb mother sighting.
27. Saints: A Reggie Bush touchdown watch.
28. Ravens: Another stupid sack dance.
29. Chargers: A Norv Turner failure.
30. Bears: Another whiney linebacker.
31. Colts: Edgerrin James. Oh, wait. He retired. Or might as well have.
32. Seahawks: A group of overrated, over-paid wide receivers. Ah, shit. Too late.

Backups Up Front

The paternity findings for Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, Danielynn, will be released shortly. I want to be the first to tell you that the father is none other than New England Patriots’ QB, Tom Brady. Apparently Tommy Boy has had his, uh, hand, in everyone—I mean, everything, lately.

Tom has been so busy with women he should enlist his backup to be his wingman. By the way, can anyone tell me who Tom Brady’s backup is? If I were told the lives of my ex-wives were hanging on my answer, I couldn’t tell you (even if I knew it).

Backup quarterbacks have predominantly been faceless figures in the NFL. But there are those few who have been thrust into the starting role and excelled to superstardom. Tom Brady is one name that pops up.

Brady replaced an injured Drew Bledsoe and led the team to its first Superbowl win. Rich Gannon was a perennial backup, mostly to Elvis Grbac in Kansas City (there’s a blast from the past), but then excelled as the starter for the Raiders and led them to a Superbowl birth. And who can talk about a rags-to-riches story without mentioning Kurt Warner of the Rams.

Conversely there are those backups who get thrown into the limelight and then falter due to lack of preparation, a good surrounding team or just plain old athleticism. Any Raiders’, Redskins’, or Ravens’ QB of recent vintage comes to mind.

But then there is that one anomaly. The guy who gets his shot, has a great game or two, and then chokes in the big one. I am, of course, speaking of Dallas Cowboys’ QB, Tony Romo.

What Romo did last season was just this much short of a Cinderella story. He came in, played great, had thousands of people vote for him for the Pro Bowl, then he sucked the rest of the year, ultimately choking in the last playoff game with the Seahawks.

Tony got the limelight AND the girls. Chicks were lining up just to date him. Not just any chicks, but celebrities like Country star Carrie Underwood. The problem was that Romo was doing the Tom Brady thing, but he did it in the wrong order. First win, AND THEN get the hot famous chick. See, Tony? It isn’t that hard. (Well, maybe it was, and that was the problem.)

I also have a theory that the same people who voted for Romo for the Pro Bowl are also voting for Sanjaya on American Idol. FACT: Romo was dating a former American Idol winner.

Does anyone but me smell conspiracy?

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

We’ve all heard or read about the vicious Jack Tatum hit on Darryl Stingley back in 1978. One of the biggest tragic stories of the NFL came to a close with Darryl Stingley’s passing.

I find the saddest point about this whole thing is how neither one spoke to the other for almost thirty years. Tatum missed his opportunity to make amends. Of course, in his defense, maybe a 30 year window isn’t long enough to get up the courage to talk to the guy he paralyzed. It takes time to get up the courage to say, “Uh, hey, sorry about that.”

There are people out there in the NFL that say what a great guy Jack Tatum is, how his teammates loved him and he brought everything to the table on game day. That may be great, but if you are a freaking human being, show at least some sort of remorse for destroying another man’s life.

There are those of you out there that will say, “This is football. There will be injuries and some of those will be life-threatening, if not life-changing.” I agree with that statement and those other ones that say these players know what they are getting into. That is not the issue. The fact is that it is just common decency to have at least a modicum of compassion for a fallen human brother, especially when the brother fell by your own hand.

Another thing I don’t get is the people who say Tatum’s full-on hit of Stingley shouldn’t have happened in a “meaningless game.” Excuse me? Anytime someone is paralyzed for life in a sport, to me, it’s a meaningless fucking game.

The last thing I would like to point out is the dichotomic thoughts of both persons involved in this tragedy. They both had written autobiographies.

Jedi Stingley’s book is called Happy to be Alive.

Darth Tatum’s book is called Final Confessions of NFL Assassin Jack Tatum.

I gotta go now. I’m going to dust off my copy of Robert Fulghum’s book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

What's In A Name?

We’ve all heard the names before: Namath, Tittle, Favre, Montana, Tarkenton. These are NFLers we know by one name. We don’t need the given name to bring up a vivid picture in our minds of who they are. Like Elvis, Charo, O.J., Liberace, or Ali, we know these famous people by a single moniker.

But, more often than not, when speaking of other elite players from the NFL, you need both names: Jerry Rice, Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, etc.

Today, there are players who have similar or identical (read that forgettable) names who play completely different positions. This can get to be a tad bit confounding.

Here’s a list of some of those:

Derrick Johnson, Cornerback, CB, Atlanta Falcons
Derrick Johnson, Linebacker, LB, Kansas City Chiefs

Michael Lewis, Safety, S, San Francisco 49ers
Michael Lewis, Wide Receiver, WR, New Orleans Saints

Alex Smith, Tight end, TE, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Alex Smith, Quarterback, QB, San Francisco 49ers

Mike Williams, Tackle, T, Jacksonville Jaguars
Mike Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

Roy Williams, Safety, S, Dallas Cowboys
Roy Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Detroit Lions

There’s also Roydell Williams, Wide Receiver, WR, Tennessee Titans, whom, I am sure, was called “Roy” at one point in his life.

Then there are the homophones. (No, not homophobes, you idiot.) These are name that sound alike, but are spelled differently. For instance:

Donnie Jones, Punter, P, Miami Dolphins
Dahni Jones, Linebacker, LB, Philadelphia Eagles

From the speed-reading department come names like:

Bryan Johnson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears
Bryant Johnson, Wide Receiver, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Watch out for that “t”. Sometimes they just sneak up on ya.

Speaking of Bryant—I remember hearing the tail end of a broadcast where the announcer said, “Young will return to the 49ers.” His sidekick said that Young was too old to return to the field. Immediately I thought of Steve Young and thought, “Is he crazy?” Shows you what an idiot I was. Although I still think that announcers should use both names and qualify that when speaking of the player by using his position and team.

You can see how this can get confusing and how people can make mistakes. I was reading about Adrian Peterson, Running back, RB, Chicago Bears, and immediately thought I was in a coma and missed the NFL Draft. I quickly went on-line to check. Sure enough, there it was. Adrian Peterson is projected to go to the Cleveland Browns in one mock draft I read.

If that isn’t enough to scratch your head, check this out. And I am not making this up—unlike most of the other crap I write. (Here are links to prove it, plus a screenshot in case they fixed it by the time you read this.)

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/player?categoryId=300165
Foxsports.com lists Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #59. His picture is posted there—a white guy in a suit.

http://www.nfl.com/players/playerpage/552682
On NFL.com, they list Chicago Bears linebacker Rod Wilson as #64. His picture is posted as an African-American in a jersey. Both have the same birthdate.

The media and the NFL do not make mistakes. Therefore, only one conclusion is possible.

They are twins.

Going Too Far

It’s common knowledge that the word “fan” is short for “fanatic.” These “fans” go to great length to emulate their heroes on the field. They wear their favorite player’s number, their favorite team’s sweatshirt; they may even go so far as to paint their house the colors of the local Pro Team. But, some people take the affinity for their favorite team a bit too far. You wonder what the hell they were thinking.

Did you ever see a balding 45-year-old man with a beer gut wear a Kobe Bryant jersey? Did you ever see that same guy wear a Kobe Bryant jersey with no undershirt? You’d swear there was a full moon out.

There was one guy who loved the Chicago Bears so much, he bet if the Bears didn’t win the Super Bowl he would change his name to Peyton Manning. I vote he changes his middle name to Dumbass.

In my opinion, the most flagrant of all fanaticism was made by a very famous woman. I can understand the average person wanting to be like one of the heroes of the gridiron—they have their 9-5 job, living paycheck to paycheck, so they need a little excitement in their lives—but when you are revered by millions, have a successful career, and are still in your 20s, then I think there is no excuse for your behavior.

To what I am referring is, of course, Britney Spears’ almost cult-like desire to look like the Super Bowl winning coach, Tony Dungy.

The proof, as they say, is in the pudding (see pic above). What's next, plastic surgery?

Held To A Lower Standard

So, you’re sitting at your desk at work reading this. As you look around your cube farm and ruminate over your co-workers’ habits, histories and home-life, ask yourself how many times do you think those regular shmoes with whom you work everyday, day in and day out, can—

Be arrested?
Assault someone?
Be shot at?
Give alcohol to minors?
Be involved in a stabbing?
Run over a parking enforcement official?
Be implicated in date rape?
Have sex with a babysitter?
Take things that don't belong to them?
Have an arsenal of weapons in their trunk?
Take a nude drive through their favorite fast food restaurant?
Solicit a prostitute?

—without being fired by your company?

Everything I listed above has been done by an NFL player on various teams, at one time or another. Sometimes, the offender has done multiple things on this list.

The ratio of NFLers in trouble with the law to the rest of the population in any given work environment in corporate America is way out of proportion. Think about how many players are involved in off-field altercations in relation to the co-workers on your team. With the exception of the guy over the wall from me who Xeroxed his ass at the office Holiday party, I can safely say I don’t know anyone within shouting distance that has either total disregard for the law, or luck that bad, where they are consistently in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The most recent player in the news—which shows you that even though one is not actually involved in an alleged crime, when it comes down to it, NFL players seem to be quite magnetic—is Patrick Kerney, now the DE for the Seattle Seahawks. He was sleeping in his house while a date rape was going on. SLEEPING! He either has a freaking huge house where he needs a bus to go to the bathroom, or his waterbed was filled with ether for him not to hear anything going on.

And, what about the alleged perps? How horny do you have to be? I don’t think I would want to force myself upon a woman who has Patrick Kerney sleeping in the next room.

I have a lot more to say on the subject but, I have to go now. My boss wants to talk to me about his missing stapler.

Money For Nothing

I read the news today, oh, boy. The defensive free agents this year are making a goddamned killing.

I know what you’re thinking—“These contracts are just for show, the players could be cut at any time with no remuneration. Just look at Drew Bledsoe’s non-existent $100 million contract.” Ok maybe you wouldn’t use the word “remuneration,” but, I just want to say that the current trend proves otherwise.

Atlanta Falcons DE Patrick Kerney has signed with the Seattle Seahawks for $19.5 million in guaranteed money.

Joey Porter agreed to play for the Miami Dolphins for five years for $32 million with $20 million guaranteed.

And, good ol’ Nate Clements, the highest paid defensive player in league history, signed with the San Francisco 49ers for $80 million with $22 million guaranteed.

Is this insane to anyone but me? This may be big business, but let’s get real—it’s still just a fucking game. Can anyone tell me what other professions could actually be worth getting $20 million? How about cancer researchers? Bridge builders? NASA scientists? How about neuron-surgeons? Hell, Jonas Salk found a cure for polio and he probably couldn’t have gotten aboard the Minnesota Vikings' Love Boat.

All I’m saying is let’s put this in perspective. Don Maynard, the Super Bowl III wide receiver who helped the New York Jets win the title in 1969, played for $7600 in his rookie year with the New York Giants. He, along with many other players at that time, had to work second jobs in the off season to make a decent wage. Maynard, a college graduate, made $8600 being a plumber when he wasn’t wearing his number 13 jersey. Imagine that? A plumber making more than a wide receiver. Ahh, those were the days.

Chris Deilman left $10 million on the table to re-sign with the San Diego Chargers. A lot of people are touting this guys ethics. “Kudos for staying with the team and not going for the money!” they shout. Hello? He is still making $39 million—and he isn’t even the quarterback.

All this talk of people making millions playing a kid’s game is making me a little ill. There are regular, every-day people out there with regular, everyday problems. I know, I’m one of them. I have to go now because I’m taking out a second mortgage to get the Roto-Rooter guy to come fix my leaking toilet. I hope it’s Don Maynard—maybe I could get an autograph.

Footballer's Wives

It is starting to make me ill. No, not the BBC dramedy—actual NFL player’s wives. What is it with these women? Are they all delusional? The answer may surprise you.

Last year, New York Giants DE Michael Strahan’s widely-publicized and bitter divorce set a precedent for the insanity of our legal system. Strahan’s wife was awarded $15 million in her divorce decree. And that’s with a goddamn prenup! Why the hell she is entitled to all that cash is beyond me. Like I heard many times growing up, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow.” And, apparently, the attorney you show.

The latest player in the news with a soon-to-be messy divorce is another Giants player, oddly enough, WR Amani Toomer. His wife allegedly refuses to bear his children. He knocked her up four times and each time she had an abortion. You would think he’d learn after the first two but, as you know, these wide receivers tend to get hit in the head a lot so their judgment may be impaired.

If she had not wanted to become pregnant with his children—something he should have been aware of BEFORE saying, “I do”—there were plenty of other things she could have done to minimize or alleviate any possibility of that happening. Swallowing comes to mind.

After much deliberation and research, I have finally figured out the catalyst. The one thing, which the media seems to overlook, or just may not have mentioned, is that these postconnubial battles have one common denominator. His name: Tom Coughlin. All these marital troubles seemed to have started under Coughlin’s watch. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead

If I were a wide-eyed player working at the combine, waiting for pro day, and looking forward to the draft, I would be scared shitless if the Broncos took a liking to me.

With all respect to Darrent Williams’ and Damien Nash’s families, the fatality rate for a Broncos’ player is so freaking high, given the choice, it makes being Osama Bin Laden’s food taster a most desirable career move.

Adam Carriker, the DE from Nebraska had a great Senior Bowl. His stock has risen so high, he is now on the radar to be taken by the Broncos with the 21st overall pick. If nothing changes between now and draft day, I think I’ll pay a pre-emptive shiva call to Adam’s family. I’ll bring a nice bundt cake.

Lately, along with the bad decisions made by current starters (Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson come to mind), death has been an increasing factor in the NFL and the people it touches—Tony Dungy’s son, LaDanian Tomlinson’s father, Brett Favre’s brother-in-law, Art Shell’s coaching career—all these things add up to a league that’s had more tragedy than elation.

Death is the one thing that’s out of our hands as human beings. When the time comes, there is no way to say to the guy behind you, “You can go ahead of me; I’m waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom.”

Be it watching their son run with a ball, watching their dad coach a division leader, or knocking down passes from future hall-of-famers, it is my contention that living your life doing what you love to do, no matter the risk, is much more fulfilling than vocational complacency.

Just don’t do it in Denver.

What The Hell Is Wrong With NFL Management?

It is clear to me that the decision-makers in the NFL are smoking crack.

The San Diego Chargers fire a 200 win coach with a 2006 record of 14 and 2, and hire a new head coach who has basically floundered when coaching from a team's top spot. I am referring, of course, to Marty Schottenheimer and Norv Turner, respectively.

Ron Rivera, the defensive coordinator for the Chicago Bears, took his team to the Super Bowl based solely on his number 2 ranked defense, was fired. Yep, fired. It certainly wasn't the quaterbacks coach that put the team in the Super Bowl, it was Ron's unit. So, how do you reward great performance? Simple--give 'em the ol' pink slip.

If you're the Detroit Lions, the opposite is true. When you suck, and your team loses every year since G-dub's administration, fire every coach and keep the President. If this is the "What have you done for me lately" league, then, I ask you, "Why the fuck does Matt Millen still have a fucking job?" I know I would be fired from my job for much less if my performance were anywhere near his.

It is true that anyone, or any team, can do anything on any Sunday in the NFL. Upsets and record-setting have been rampant (due in part to parity--a good thing) these last few years. But if you are on a roll--one way or the other, why do something that will impact the team negatively? It's like dumping your girlfriend before she dumps you even though you both never fight and she gives you the best blowjobs you've ever had in your life. You'd have to be nuts.

Apparently, NFL teams would rather light the pipe than get, uh, head.